My wife is a parent, so I asked her, “What’s one thing you’ve learned about being in a blended family?” (Actually, I asked her for more, and wanted to make a list of three or five ideas, but I’m grateful to have one.)
My wife came up with this:
You know what, it’s not fair. This is not fair to the children, the stepfather, or the father of the children. This is not fair to anyone. The stepfather and father of the children made a choice (which may not have been wise, in reflection), but the children had no such luxury. Remember that you made the choice; I did. We may not have fully understood this choice, but we made it and we have to respect it, and that means we need to acknowledge that it’s unfair sometimes – but we need to know that it’s unfair to everyone.
Having lived with my wife for seven years, with and without children, I have to come to terms with them. There were times when I thought, “It’s not fair!” But when I explored the issues—usually from three sides, looking at each unique person’s point of view—and almost without exception, there was a significant level of unfairness to everyone.
For me, as a husband and father, I was torn between my loyalties. I knew my wife deserved my first loyalty, but I also felt sorry for my kids because they didn’t always think the way I felt. I often felt like meat in the sandwich.
For my wife, as a stepmother and stepmother, it was often impossible, because there was a conflict of values, and what she saw as disrespect, which angered her. She was often angry because she felt misunderstood and unable to function.
For my children, when young people grow up in the best possible way, they often feel misunderstood and lose power. This was also frustrating.
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All family members need to feel that there is some process or structure of justice in the home. This is about roles and respect. Parents and stepmothers have a role in managing the home and family standards. They need to be respected, but they also need to ensure that they respect children.
The best parents respect children so that children directly learn how to respect parents.
Parents must do the work to create a fair family culture through respect. When respect is given it is eventually returned. As parents, we need to persevere.
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Mixed family situations aren’t fair to anyone, but the key is to see the injustices from the other’s point of view. Then we are more willing to treat with respect.
© 2014 SJ Wickham.